If Showgirls Were Star Trek

We are crazy for Showgirls, the tacky, bizzare 1995 film that was meant to make the Las Vegas seedy underbelly seem mainstream, but all it did was make us even more afraid of licking the stripper pole.

Last weekend we had an awesome time hanging out with the cast of the Klingon Christmas Carol, and while we were putting on our makeup backstage, we felt like we were transported into some strange universe, with all the characters of Star Trek thrusted into the film Showgirls.

If Showgirls was adapted to the Star Trek Universe, which alien race would play which role?

Nomi Malone – Orion Slave Girl

Known for their extreme appetites and innate skills, Orion slave girls are the sexpots of the galaxy. With their ability to control men, they’d certainly become the headliner at any Vegas show. And, like Nomi Malone, they don’t learn those dance moves in class.

Cristal Connors – Klingon

Like her human counterpart, Klingon females have a voracious appetite and fight for what they want. If they don’t get it, they get very angry. You don’t want to fuck with her now that you’re friends. Want to go to Spagos and get some lunch? I hate gagh! It’s worse than brown rice and vegetables.

Zack Carey – Human

In the Star Trek universe you have to have a human (also known as a Terran) in the storyline to show us humanity’s foibles. I guess Zach will do.

Tony Moss and Penny/Hope- Ferengi And Bajoran

Tony Moss is all about business and that’s all Ferengis care about – the almighty dollar or gold pressed latnum. In Star Trek they ran the casinos, and I’m pretty sure they also would have run stripper bars in space.

Poor Penny/Hope couldn’t be anything but a down and out Bajoran working the pole or the Dabo table.

Human Resources Irene – Vulcan

Stoic and down to business with as little chit chat as possible, Human Resources Irene embodies a Vulcan bureaucratic sensibility. Plus, with the black hair and eyebrows, she’s got the look down pretty down pat. Below is T’Pau, an ancient Vulcan leader.

Andrew Carver – Cardassian

Cardassians are the most evil of villains on Star Trek, so it’s only fitting that the most heinous of characters from Showgirls would be portrayed by the lizard men.

Marty Jacobsen – Andorian

Sassy and petulant, Marty Jacobson could have been an Andorian in an other lifetime. Do a piqué turn Nomi!

James Smith – Vulcan

James is like a Vulcan going through Pon Farr, the Vulcan “sexy time.” Sure he’s horny, but he’s also very logical and knows exactly what’s going on when he warns Nomi “you fuck them without fucking them, and that ain’t right! You have too much talent for it to be right!”

Julie – Romulan

Cunning and ruthless, Julie has the heart of Romulan. Not only did Julie screw over Annie, she also helped Nomi catapult to the top spot in Goddess by lying for her when she pushed Cristal down the stairs. Those weren’t just beads Julie let loose on the stage of Goddess to trip up Annie, they were dilithium crystals!

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