When You Can’T Go Back, and You Don’T Know How to Go Forward, Make a Hard Turn

In the 90s I reached a low point in my life.  I’d left the navy, the defining experience and society of my adult life until then.  I was in college, a good college, but I felt disconnected from that experience and that society.  I felt crushing loneliness, like any identity I could hold to had turned to ash, with no way to go back and no idea of how to go forward.

For the first time in my adult life I seriously considered suicide as an option.  There was a shotgun.  It would be easy, fast.  One moment’s effort and it would all be over for me.

Then I considered my family.  Of all the evils my family had introduced over the generations, so far suicide was not among them.  Could I be the one who made suicide a precedent?  No way back, no way forward, and suicide, while it would end my struggle, would only add to the struggles of those I love.

So, I came out.  I told the first person, “Um, I’ve never mentioned this before.  But, I’m gay.”  I made a hard turn.

If you reach a point in your life where suicide seems like a good option—please think about what I say next—what can possibly frighten you while you’re still alive?  Who can do worse to you than what you’ve decided you can do to yourself?

Coming out was far easier for those I told, I think, than it was for me.  That was a surprise.  It makes sense, though, because those I told had only to incorporate an idea about me.  I had to suddenly deal with the explosion of energy and feelings that accompanied ending my sexuality’s banishment and letting it into the light.  The important thing is that coming out kept me so distracted and emotionally hyperactive that I didn’t have as much time to dwell on loneliness.  My identity, which I’d anguished over, now stomped about my psyche like a kid who’d had too much sugar, still unformed, but definitely seeking to assert itself.

Coming out is one example of a hard turn made.  There have been others since then.  Life is not easy.  People can behave like monsters, lost in their own pain and trauma, turning their violence and hatred on any easy target, and sometimes that target will be you.  You can get distracted by damaged and damaging people, buy into an idea that you’re somehow connected to that.  Seriously, though, look at such people.  They are destroying themselves and along the way they’re choosing to experience and give pain.  Don’t go with them, don’t play with them, don’t try to reason with them.  They don’t care about reason or about you.  Make a hard turn.

Turn toward expanding your life, every facet, and there are facets of you that you don’t even know about yet.  We are forever becoming and our choices influence what shows up, who we become.  End or reduce your associations with those who express through violence or hatred, those who would hold you while ignoring you, and those who feed off you, but give nothing in return.   Show compassion, yes, but remember that you’re not responsible for the choices of others, who they choose to be.  You are responsible for you, so make the choices that keep you healthy and strong.  That’s not selfishness, it’s good common sense.  What use are you to others in a weakened and compromised state?

Turn to love.  When you make the choice to hang around, it’s just smart to hang around for, among, and seeking the people and things that grow and nurture love.  Just like in that old 70’s TV theme song, love is all around, no need to waste it.  It’s there.  Choose to see it, and then have the balls to walk up and say, “Hi,” when love walks into the room.

You’ll screw up along the way, make bad or even monumentally stupid choices.  Fine.  It’s normal to screw up along the way.  Here’s something to remember:  Sometimes our stupid choices kept us just distracted enough to not do something mortally stupid.  Trick is, once you understand that you’re screwing up, stop.  It may be time for another of those hard turns.  If others judge you over your screw ups, again, fine.  Those who love you will stick by you, and those who seek to tear you down don’t matter on your journey.

If you’ve been reading and these ideas resonate in you, I know something about you.  You’ve been through a lot, and you’re strong.  You’ve probably made hard turns that most people can’t even imagine, never mind doing.  And there you are.  Still becoming, understanding more and more that only two things can destroy you:  fear and yourself.

If you’re in a place where you find yourself looking in the mirror and then looking at the gun or the pills, it’s time to make that hard turn, baby.  Turn, and know that the most frightening thing possible is far less devastating than what you’re turning away from.  If I’m lying, the gun or the pills will still be there.  You can’t go back, and you can’t see a way forward.  If I’m not lying, well . . . just make the hard turn and find out.  I’ll see you out there.  Get in a hug.

–Alvin

This entry was posted on Saturday, October 9th, 2010 at 4:07 pm and is filed under People, Politics & Activism. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.