My First Blog Entry – Merry Christmas, Darlin’

Hey there, darlins.

I was sittin’ here at my diamond studded iMac (they only made ONE for me!) lookin’ at pictures of myself. Lookin’ at pictures of me makes me think of all the people who love me and all of the people I pretend to love.

My custom iMac also comes with a diamond studded wireless mouse that matches my fingernails and toenails! Sometimes you just have to treat yourself.

Pretending to love people makes me think of Christmas. Right around the corner! Under my mink Christmas tree you would find all of the gifties I picked up for the “special” people in my life. Wanna know what they are gonna get? I know you do. So, in no particular order:

Zack:
I was very generous with him this year. I had a company mold an exact replica of my ‘giney. It is made out of gold with diamond pubic hair. It has a feature to allow him to hang it on the wall OR on his face like a mask. Peek-a-boo!

Annie:
Nothing. I am tired of her shit and I am hoping she’ll get the hint and GO AWAY. Ever since I gave my understudy position to Fausto, she has been givin’ me attitude. We don’t need that darlin’. I’m lookin’ at your knee. There. Your knee is your Christmas present.

Julie:
I got her a pair of scissors and a big sign that says “hint.” Tired of that roach nest on her head, darlin’. Do you know what it is like tryin’ to avoid those braids on stage? More dangerous than dancin’ in “Spiderman.”

Irene:
I bought her an edible arrangement. I know she loves to eat but I am tryin’ to encourage her to not eat fat. FAT CHANCE! HAHA. I bought her the cheap arrangement because, frankly, I don’t care for her.

Gay:
I do love Gay. So what did I get her? A HUGE basket of makeup and perfume and pretty girly things. Why? Well, I don’t like lookin’ at her plain face and, frankly, she could use better makeup. She really does like that orangey-red lipstick and it turns my stomach, darlin’. Gay needs a makeover.

Molly:
I am gettin’ her an education! As you know, she finished school for… um… fashion? I don’t pay attention when she talks. Had somethin’ to do with clothes. Well it was only a diploma program because she is poor. REALLY poor. I COULD give her a raise but she isn’t very good at her job. Instead, I am gettin’ her an upgrade into the associate program in fashion. The storefront that her school is located in is always takin’ students so it was no problem to enroll her. Oh and Molly, if you fall behind in work because of school… FIRED.

What’s the name of that slut with the red hair? I didn’t get her anything either. I hate her.

Marty:
Baby, you and are are besties (not really) so I got you somethin’ extra special. I see you with that look in your eyes when I wear my lacy panties around my dressin’ room. I bought you some pretty lady things all for your own! Nighties and robes and slips! All in the silkiest of fabrics. You’ll be the prettiest lady in all of Vegas. You’re welcome.

Fausto:
How could I forget my understudy? We’re goin’ on a shoppin’ spree with my credit card! Wherever you want, whatever you want. Nothin’ too good for the best pique turner in town. Dinner at Spago after, of course. Bring Marc.

Nomi: Best for last. What to get Nomi? Since she doesn’t wear underwear, I thought it would be a nice change if she had a few pairs. I saw some layin’ in a dumpster and picked them out with my golden tongs. I may or may not have seen some buggies crawlin’ in the crotch. I also sent her a HUGE box of black tar heroin in the hopes that she’ll use and abuse. Merry Christmas!

And because I am feelin’ extra generous, I sent a few boxes of Franzia over to the girls at The Cheetah. They work hard and they deserve only the cheapest of wines. They won’t notice the difference. To them, this IS the good stuff. Drink up, sluts.

If you don’t see your name on here, I didn’t get you shit! Maybe next year? Probably not. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 23rd, 2010 at 10:00 pm and is filed under Culture & Style, People. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.