My Real Interview with a Vampire

Apr 26, 2011 · 1985 views

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Vampires don’t really exist, but if they did, I sure would have a lot of obnoxious questions to ask them. I wonder why these ideas never seem to get addressed in movies or on TV? […]


  1. vmos says:

    Do Vampires vote? Do Vampires file taxes? If the country they were born in ceases to exist, how do they change their passports and birth certificates to keep people from finding you’re a vampire?

    no, the dead don’t have rights

    Do vampires worry about insect bites? What do they think of vampire bats or snakes? Do they think they are cute, the way we think of a dog is cute “he thinks he’s people!”

    no they don’t. yes. Also, vampires love vampire dogs (see, Zoltan)

    If vampires only drink / eat blood, do they ever pee or poop? What does that look like? Do female vampires menstruate? If someone ate that would they become a vampire too?

    no they don’t the blood is converted into energy with no waste products, and ewww

    Why are so many vampires gay or flamboyant? When a flamboyant gay man becomes a vampire, does he act butch?

    because when you’re superhuman you can fuck whoever you feel like and yes, but only if he feels like it

    Does it get boring to live forever? Are vampires like stoners? Does the knowledge of living forever make you lose your desire to get stuff done. “I can always do it tomorrow, I’m a vampire!”

    yes and yes, unless it involves fucking or eating

    Do you have nightmares? Are those called day-mares? Do your bad dreams involve being staked in the heart with a strange metaphor?


    Why are you scared of garlic, but not onions or ginger? Is garlic the only root vegetable you’re scared of?

    it’s a french thing

    Do any other religious symbols bother you, or only Christian ones? Are you afraid of Easter candy? Plastic eggs? Are there any Jewish vampires, or Muslim, or Scientology vampires? Non-believers?

    it’s not the symbol but the faith of the bearer that’s the problem

    Do vampires ever get tired of sucking on blood and just use needles? Wouldn’t it be easier to operate a fake blood bank instead of killing people all the time?

    no and it would be easier but ever so dull

    Do vampires watch TV or movies? Are they offended at the characterization of them, pleased or indifferent?

    yes, depends on the movie

    Is it possible to just take a 1000 year long nap and wake up in the future?

    no, you need to eat

    If you could take a 1000 year long nap, could you sleep and wake up at a time when humans evolve into something else? Will you look like a freak, the way neanderthals would look like to us?

    That would be risky as future humans may not be a viable food source.

    Have you ever feared for your life from scientists wanting to study your condition? Is it a supernatural thing or is there any biochemical process happening there as well?

    that’s a secret

    Do vampires die in the vacuum of space, or just float on forever?

    the trouble with space is that it’s a lot harder to stay out of the sunlight

    • Vampires are so negative!

      How often do vampires need to eat? If they are more active and need more blood, how much do they need to eat if they are sleeping all the time?

      Humans used to hunt their food for ages, it was very exciting but also very dangerous. Most people now raise their food in farms, it’s safer. Why wouldn’t vampires just round up humans to breed in captivity like cows? Think of the Matrix, but instead of robots it’s vampires.

      Can vampires feed on monkeys? Can vampires genetically engineer food sources from stem cells?

      Vampires in space could theoretically live on the dark side of the moon without any problems.

      • Angela says:

        The dark side of the moon moves, though, since one side of the moon is always facing Earth, so the shadow cast by the Sun passes over the near and far side of the moon as it revolves. This came up during NaNoWriMo when Aaron thought about writing a futuristic vampire fic involving a space colony. The solution was to build a train track roughly around the moon’s equator and put the colony on a large luxury train that moved just fast enough to always stay in the darkest part of the umbra. And yeah, the bar car was fully stocked with vat-grown (or murdered? Either way, they were decapitated) human torsos on tap. 🙂

  2. Rhianon says:

    That is absolutly histerical!! I would ask the same questions, but also what they think of vampiric literature or the other popular vampire series. And how twilight has effected their peace of mind. I mean twilight is just plain ridiculous. *sigh* Teenagers… it’s sad really.

  3. Fausto, your would ADORE my Vampire friend I met in Mexico City. Very Spiritual, not negative at all. Cute, a model, an actor. Very talented and gorgeous FANGS ! Doesn’t speak much English so I’m learning Spanish. I was bitten and smitten 🙂

    Here’s his facebook link :!/vampiro.pedreira

    Here’s his Youtube channel :

  4. Bektamun says:

    Alot of your questions I cover in Vampires Revealed, which will be released soon. Thank you for such a range of broad and candid questions, I’ll be sure to try and cover them before the final release.

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