How many are in your party? For some people monogamy is just right, but for a growing number of people, open relationships is where they find true happiness.
We are raised on fairy tales of a handsome prince rescuing a fair maiden and then they live happily ever after, but how close is this image to real life?
As gay people, we try to reinterpret that image of monogamous marriage in our fight for gay rights and marriage equality. There is even a new study that shows that GLBT youth want to be married and have kids by the age of 30.
How many people are truly satisfied by having one lover for their entire life?
Tristan Taormino, award-winning author, columnist, pornographic film director joins us to talk about her new book Opening Up: A guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships.
Tristan studied over a hundred polyamorous people, in a sort of Kinsey Report on non-manogamy. Tristan interviewed in person, over the phone and by email, people who were content and settled, and others who were at a crossroads in their relationships.
She discovered that all the people engaging in this lifestyle “exude an above-average level of sexual and emotional satisfaction -something that in my experience and observation seems to elude a lot of people.”
So how do you convince your wife to have a three way with the nanny, or the pool boy?
Well, it can be a very difficult topic to bring up because relationships are often viewed as sacred and some people are not going to react well to even bringing the topic up. Tristan recommends you start slow and put little feelers out there to see if they are the same wavelength. Of course, you have to make sure the person you are currently involved with has good self esteem otherwise you are in for a lot of trouble and soul searching.
Join us as we chat with Tristan about the tips and tricks on open relationships. We talk about how you design an open relationship, the pitfalls of an nonmonogmay, keeping it fresh five or ten years later and what to do if one person is kinky and they other is not.
There is a lot to take into consideration if you are going to turn your relationship into an open one. For example, what do you do if one person is attracted to it and the other isn’t? Is coming out as polyamorous like coming out of the gay closet? What do you do when someone reacts negatively to your identity? And what about the children, do the kids even care?
Tristan Toarmino is the niece of famous American author Thomas Pynchon, so of course we just have to ask her what he thinks of her work.
Take a dip in our jacuzzi of love- Feast of Fools.
Featured Book:
Opening Up: A guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships.
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2 Comments
Comments
Cant wait to listen! I am one of those gays that wants to be married and have kids by the age of 30. And I am close to having it, found the man now all thats left is a ring and a stroller and my plan will be complete!! Mwahahahaha. lol
) Cant wait to hear this, I’m sure its great yall!
Matty
Oh, I mention your name in the New Relationship Energy (NRE) portion of the show. I hope you take her advice!
Me and him have been friends for a long time and just recently moved to the level we are at now. we were finally open about the way we feel. So I had “N.R.E” a long time ago when I crushed on him but was quite about it. But any way… I understand the aspect of polyamorous relationships. Sometimes you cant get all your candy from one basket. lol I respect and believe that whatever works for you works for you and I’m happy you’ve found what does. My sister is in a realtionship like that, she is dating a guy and her best gal friend and his guy friend are apart of it too, so I guess you could say they have a quad arrangement. Great show, thanks for name droping me Marc. lol I’m sure Ulises will get a laugh outta it.
Matt
i dont think coming out as polyamorous is quite the same as being gay but hey if thats what floats your boat
http://www.queersunited.blogspot.com
I loved this interview… and it looked like she was maintaining the point of the whole book and probably the most important thing in relationships: communication.
You have to talk about it… talk and be honest and just be matter-of-fact: “I think I could like that…” “I wouldn’t be into that”… etc etc.
What a cool lady. I think she is getting a lot out of life and going to help a lot of other people get a lot out of life too.
Tristan really has a point about ALL of the USA including gays are shifting to the right. Gays do not seem as radical as they once were. We seem to be at a point where we try so hard not to offend anyone that we are no longer saying anything. It reminds me of the early gay pride parades where everyone would wear suits to project this image that we were just like heterosexuals. But just like Fausto said the internet is creating a new breed of radical queers. Thank you sweet baby Jesus for FOF. Now I know how to get the yard boy in bed with me and Glen, I can start masking, and maybe even do the DIY sex change operation. It’s time we really rubbed people’s faces in our gay lifestyle.
I don’t agre with that Cliff. Because being gay or trans, or bi or lesbian in America today doesn’t have the same sting it used to have. We’re not moving to the right, as much as the background is moving to accept us more, we don’t seem like such a big threat.
I don’t think of anything said here as ‘radical.’ It just makes common sense to me to think of all these ideas in a thoughtful, calm mannter.
I share your frustration with our own community Cliff, but I don’t really think this is because we’ve shifted politically in any direction. On the contrary, GLTB folks are more visible and heard than ever before.
When the first Clinton ran for office, he never had a Q&A session with Melissa Etheridge on cable television, hell, Melissa Etheridge was just another lesbian rocker playing coffeehouses across America. And now look at our Meli-E, you go girl.
What’s this conversation about anyways? Young people are enjoying the fruits of the past generation’s labor. Will they be thanked for it? Maybe. But don’t count on it. We helped to lay down the foundation for GLBT podcasting, and even had one of the first drag queen video bloggers (Victoria Lamarr) as a regular on the show. When we started, nobody even knew what a podcast was. Even we didn’t feel comfortable calling it that, and instead used the term “online radio show.”
Will we be honored at some GLBT broadcasters ceremony? Where’s my GLADD media award? The invitation got lost in the mail.
It doesn’t matter to me. We’re here baby. As long as people are listening, t-shirts are being sold and advertisers spend money on our show, we’re in business. We’re not going anywhere. With or without us, the internet is full of a huge diversity of color, experience and expression for all to enjoy. The good, the bad, and the f-ugly is all there.
So enjoy the party, you made it happen. Obviously we have a long ways to go, but this pride celebration I’m going to spend it having a cruelty-free beer, hang out with my friends and take picutres of hot guys. Marc will probably be passing out mashed potatoes and gravy. Pride means many things to many people.
I really want to say that I enjoyed this episode very, very much. Such a broad range of topics spanning from a seemingly limited idea of open relationships. Tristan is a wonderfully intelligent, articulate, and compelling guest. I’m so happy when you have people like her on the show!
As far as that shift to the right of the LGBT community, I definitely see that as having happened, and I see it as a HUGE problem. I actually am of the opinion that our community is so extremely wonderful and diverse, that the fact that some of the more mainstream (on another day I might call them “assimilationist”) gays and lesbians try to push the weirdos, drag queens, freaks, non-monogamists out of the discourse is really frightening. All of us deserve to be here and be who we are, weirdo polyamorists and 20-something New York Times married gays.
That’s why this show is so refreshing to hear this show. In this context, there are still people, gay and straight alike, who are striking out against doing the monogamy thing just because it seems that most people are doing it. And most still do monogamy, but it’s nice that there’s a choice. Maybe in the privacy of their own homes, many of those people the mainstream gays are trying to be just like are doing their own freaky things. And that’s something I can aspire to.
Fun show! Vanman, good luck with that sort of relationship!
Maybe I’m just hanging around the wrong circles, but I think everyone is getting used to the gays instead of the gays are becoming anything than what they have already been.
I think Fausto is right, the GLBTetc community, certainly in the UK, is becoming more accepted in general. The pride season here is not as much of a media frenzy as in the past, it might get a 20-30 second mention in the evening news but it won’t be anywhere near the coverage of the past. Although, the Church of England set the cat amongst the pigeons with it’s first gay partnership blessing service in a premier London church.
Well, I can’t really say, numbers-wise, whether we as a community are moving to the right. That sorta varies from our perspective and whom we come into contact with each day. What I *can* see is that with the increased visibility that we’re all mentioning, we’re seeing more images of gays in “traditional” relationships, and more political posturing of the “we’re just like you” type, a la HRC, and there is less visibility of an ACT-UP type element. And I’m not saying anything about the quality of work that organizations like HRC are doing, but I do think there is an element of the “be on your best behavior when we’re out among the neighbors” kinda feel to it.
As for gays and polyamory – there is a lot of research that shows that most gay male couples – after about 5 years – tend to open up their relationships in some form or fashion. And there are gays getting married now who also aren’t traditionally monogamous. It could be that we might be able to breathe some fresh life into marriage where rules within the relationship are determined by the two concerned people, and not by societal strictures….
I hope so, jimberly! I think that’s what the Pat Robertsons of the world are afraid of, but it seems that it’s probably the most “natural” choice, ironically enough.
This was a good show, I liked your guest, she was cool.
This was a great show! As someone who has recently had his relationship go from monogamous to open, I know how scary/exciting it can be. Tristan of course is right in that every couple has to follow their own path. So far I think my partner and I are doing that well, but it’s kind of amazing how judgmental people can be when they find out. The reaction goes from, “why on earth would you do that?” to “are you unhappy” to “I don’t think I could ever do that.” I always tell people that for it to work, you have to 1. be very secure in your relationship and 2. have extremely good communication. Otherwise, it just won’t work!
Very informative show guys!!!
I totally agree with FRUCTOSE CORNSYRUP.My partner and i have been together for 10 years.
The secret it’s True Love and Communication.
Great show guys – I do think that most gay couples end up ‘opening up’ in one way or another after certain amount of years. It can derail your relationship or solidify it, depending on how you handle it. I must say the idea of a group marriage sort of deal is exhausting to me just in theory already: all these feelings to manage and a group dynamic to maintain. It’s hard enough to keep two people on the rails let alone a whole a whole football team. Although having a group thing with a football team doesn’t sound half back, come to think of it.
I am not sure that the conservative monogamous marriage wish of young gay guys is something new and something that will change the gay experience as a whole. Most young gay men adopt romantic but somewhat naieve ideas about love from mainstream culture. These young kids are also the most condemning of open relationships because – well – they are not old enough to have ever been in one. With age comes a wider perspective and some might still choose to stay monogamous – possibly ending up as serial monogamists for that reason – or see that true love is still true love if it doesn’t quite fit the storybook mold.